Friday, August 03, 2007

Nothing you can say, but you can learn how to play the's easy.

A conversation between Mortar and I about our respective past relationships really got me thinking today. I dont know why, but my mind kept wandering; in and out of relative thought, through the thick, sticky air of an August Florida evening, half concentrating on work, half somewhere else.

I guess if I didn't admit I am a true romantic, I'd be lying to myself. I have this idea of what love should be, of what it usually never is. And lately I've been thinking I might be more in love with the idea of love: the sometimes unrequitedness of it, with the fear that the other person won't fall, than I ever truly actually go through the motions of loving someone.

I guess I've come to realize that I look for relationships that have a certain quality of fear to them, of mystery. Of never knowing for sure. It's like asking for an answer to a question that you'll never really be satisfied with. You will always wonder if there is something more true, something more right.

I know a lot of you who know me well are probably reading this and are about five seconds away from calling 'bullshit' on me, but I've tried other ways, other relationships honestly, and they just don't work for me. And I know I probably deserve a relationship that fulfills all my wants and needs, but in the end, I'm not so sure that's what I really want.

For me, love should be challenging, and flawed, and constantly striving. It should be screaming at each other in an alley in the rain. It should be urgent and conflicting and impulsive. It should be all at once both compelling but unconvincing; unstable yet sustaining. And if anything, always consuming.

The obvious bet on why I feel this way could be because of my fairly small experience with falling in love, but I'd be careful there. I doubt that's a safe one.
I think I choose difficulty. Seek it.

Because I think the difficult is what makes it mean so much.

And I'm sure a lot of people won't believe me when I say that, or will disagree completely. And I'm also pretty sure all that conclusion really shows is my own immaturity, but for now, it's what works.

It's what scares the shit out of me and sends me running full speed the other way. It's what forces me to walk back slowly and peer around the corner, curious and enamored.

It's got me by throat though, that's for sure, dangling. And even at my last breath, I'd choose my kind of love over yours any day.


Anonymous said...

Have you seen The Story of Us with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer? If not, based on this post you'd really like it.

Peter DeWolf said...


I'm a teensy bit of a romantic myself, yet I mostly seem drawn to women that could tend towards being... difficult.

Cunning Linguist said...

I'll agree. If it's not on the edge of insanity then I don't want to know about it. It should be perfectly logical to make love in the pouring rain on a rooftop. It should send every cell in your body to touch the very core of your intended. It should have every mark of virtual madness while making perfect sense all at the same time. If it doesn't gasp for air, shout from rapture or cry from ecstacy, it doesn't belong in the heart. Passion after all, is what seperates us from the other beasts on the planet. Pure primal rage and lust not withstanding, one should always have one hand outstretched while another is drawing the other that tugs at your heart nearer. Good post. ;)

country roads said...

"the story of us" made me very sad but it made me feel kinda good too...I don't know. I like the all consuming aspect, too. If it's not gonna be like that, you may as well just be friends and avoid all the other bullshit.

sam said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and thought I would add a coment from someone a bit older. The problem is that it is hard to sustain love that is urgent, conflicting and impulsive. Sooner, or more likely much later, your insane love evolves into a comfortable, mellower version that is really a lot better.I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 30 years. She is beautiful, exhilarating, smart, gracious and I love her desperately. We were wild and reckless with our love when we were younger, but now it's too important to both of us to waste. Just make sure you love each other with your total being, and everything else will work out just fine.

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