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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

1911-2007

Thanks to everyone for all their love and support. Losing a family member is hard, but it's harder not to wonder where I would be without all of you.

Last night my mom, sister and I went through old albums picking out photos of my Grandma for the service on Thursday. The thing is, I wasn't sad. Only when I was driving back home in the rain by myself did it really hit me.

You know all that guilt and regret that is so classically movie-scripted that people feel when someone dies? I always thought that was so cliche; that I'd never be one of those people. But I have to tell you, those emotions have me by the throat right now, feet dangling.

I could have been a better granddaughter. I could have visited when I said I would. I could have called more. Squeezed harder when I hugged her goodbye. Listened more intently.

I could have done all of that and now here I am, a fatally flawed character in my own tragic movie script. Reading the same lines that every character before me read. Going through the same motions that I scorned so easily as an observer before.

Then I remember how amazing her life was. Living through the Great Depression, raising a family of successful children all by herself, being a loving grandparent to 11 and great-grandparent to 19.

I can only hope to be lucky enough to live 96 full years with the people I love.

I'll miss you Grandma and I loved you very much.

9 comments:

Yes, I'll have another said...

I know exactly how you feel.

My grandma died in the summer of 2001 and I still think about her all the time. I think a lot of it is the innocence that was associated with her from when I was a kid. She was an amazing woman. I still miss her.

My sincerest condolences.

Sarah said...

I'm really sorry, Meg. But remember - grandmas always know how much you love them.

sam said...

When my Grandmother died, my Granddad consoled me by asking me to be happy not sad. That by being sad, we were being selfish. His point was that the sadness we felt should be for each other because we would miss her, but that we should be happy for her, because she was in a much better place. I am sorry for your loss.

Peter DeWolf said...

Megan, I am sure that your light and your love for her shone through more than you realize.

Chuck said...

I'm sorry for your loss Meg, I've lost so many and you never get used to it or feel you ever did enough. But your love for her shows through your writing and you should take comfort in that your feelings are so genuine. Sounds like she led a very full life and that's all that ever really matters. Love ya, my condolences again.

click said...

Hey Megan, my condolences also.

My Nan passed away last September. That was the hardest loss of a loved one that I have experienced. Reading your post brought all those emotions back in a rush - they don't ever really go away.

Sorry for your loss honey.

@ sam - that's beautiful.

mindy said...

This was beautifully written and I'm sure your grandma knew how much you loved her. I, for one, can tell just based on this. Don't be too hard on yourself, okay?

It's always hard to lose someone even if you know she lived a long and happy life. It just doesn't get easier. My sympathies.

Hellafied said...

Thanks everyone. You guys are the best.

country roads said...

I'm so sorry. It's easy to get caught up in your own things and not visit as much as you should...but I think they still know how you feel. I hope so anyway. I can't believe that she wouldn't have felt it from you though.