November 7, 2008
New Rule: Never give up hope! I never thought it would happen. You never thought it would happen. But you'll be able to tell your grandkids that in November of 2008, the impossible did happen: Guns N' Roses released "Chinese Democracy"!
New Rule: As his first official act, Barack Obama must raise Joe the Plumber's taxes. I'm not saying he should raise all middle-class taxes. Just Joe. Congratulations, plumber's helper, you're in a tax bracket of one. Complete with your very own tax form, the 1040FU.
New Rule: In order to fight terrorism, the Obama Administration must first concentrate on getting the Saudis laid. This is the recent "Most Beautiful Goat" competition--in Riyadh. I'm not making this up. And, yes, those are Saudis taking pictures of the winning goat's ass. Someone help these people. Sexual repression makes people believe in all sorts of crazy shit. [slide shown of Morman sister wives]
New Rule: Don't pretend Twinkies are healthy now. Just because you can get the 100-calorie size. Here's the miracle: it's smaller. And here's how to make your own at home: cut an old Twinkie in half. And here's how to make it healthy: throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot.
New Rule: The guy in AC/DC has to stop wearing the schoolboy outfit. He's 53 years old. This look doesn't say, "I'm on a Highway to Hell." It says, "I'm a registered sex offender." Also, you have to sell your new record someplace other than Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart's are too crowded. I can't find anything. And the old greeter at the front door creeps me out. [slide shown of John McCain as Wal-Mart greeter]
And finally, New Rule: Now that you've lost, Republicans have to agree not to waste everyone's time spending the next four years screaming for investigations of Barack Obama over made-up bullshit. Let's not kid ourselves. The hardcore Republican base is like a stalker; rejection just makes them crazier. You think Matt Drudge was a vindictive prick before? His headline Wednesday morning was, "Senior Citizen and Woman Beaten by Black Man." You see, because McCain is old and then there was the woman, and Obama is a black man. And wait till you see Ann Coulter's new book, How to Field Dress a Liberal.
You know, there's loyal opposition and then there's just opposition. Let's not do the '90s again, except for the part where we have peace and prosperity. You know, there was an entire industry back then dedicated to making Bill Clinton's life miserable over expensive haircuts and old land deals and the Lincoln Bedroom and getting blown. But this ain't the '90s. We've got two wars, a melting planet, and the only thing keeping the economy from total collapse is Sarah Palin shopping sprees.
So, you know what phrase I don't want to hear used frivolously for the next four years whenever Barack Obama forgets to put the kids in the car seat? "Disrespect for the rule of law." Dick Cheney ordered prisoners tortured by name. That ship has sailed.
I don't want to hear Sean Hannity say that, "Barack Obama announced that his daughters would be getting a puppy. A puppy from where? Probably a Chihuahua that came in from Mexico illegally. And how do we know this isn't a dog that pals around with terriers?"
You know, when Obama starts a pre-emptive war, and then f*cks it up, and makes torture our official policy and outs a CIA agent, and purges U.S. Attorneys, and tries to put his cleaning lady on the Supreme Court--and doesn't act on global warming, and appoints as the head of FEMA an ex-dildo salesman who was his college roommate--you know, that kind of stuff, believe me, I'll be with you. But, until then, I don't want to see Republicans freaking out if Obama isn't singing the National Anthem loud enough, or they find out he gets his suits made in France.
If he puts a moon roof in the presidential limo, he's not making himself Fuhrer; he's just trying to get the smell of stupidity out of the seats.
And, mostly, I don't want to hear about ACORN. Your guy lost by eight million votes. Just because you don't know any black people doesn't mean they don't exist.
So, that's it. No special prosecutors, no trumped up investigations. If Republicans really want to look into something for the next four years, my suggestion: try a mirror.
In case anyone is curious...
1 year ago