Monday, April 06, 2009

Things you only tell your diary and/or Blogger readers.

The same ghosts still haunt me. Lately I have been existing on the fumes of a prior life. My engine is screaming for maintenance, but I refuse to fill up the tank. Instead I turn up the volume of my present, constantly trying to drown out the noise of those old ghosts. The bass bellows, the feeback shrieks. And yet I forge ahead unrelentingly.

I should be happier, but I'm not. My life looks better on paper than it ever has, and yet I can cherry pick the days I don't have to force a smile.

I have a relationship that my indifference toward has exceeded the need for. This life that I've flash built in a year's time feels more foreign to me than ever. And then I think it was never that comfortable, but I wanted it to fit so badly I cut off my feet to wear the shoe.

I'm not ready to get back into bed with my past if that's what you're wondering. Nor am I able to leave my present in the middle of the night, with only a warm spot beside it as a parting gift.

But I am willing to give the future a chance.

The one that I didn't choose years ago because the alternative came in a prettier box.

And I know this is all pretty cryptic and might not make any sense to many people, but for so long this platform has given me clarity and scope and room to breathe.

And right now, that all sounds pretty amazing.


S said...

Not knowing you IRL, I am probably one of your more confused readers. But I wanted to comment and say that I hope you find peace and contentment. I know that both can be elusive.

Nik said...

Much more than I expected. I can definitely believe the part in your profile that states you never say what's on your mind.

C squared said...

Honestly this is exactly how I feel about my life right about now. Couldn't of said it better myself

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