The Gospel According to Gates: aunt megan

Since I am in Florida all week for work with limited blogging time, I enlisted my good friend E.Lo's help as a guest blogger.

What started off as a joke took a hilarious turn when I somewhat lightheartedly suggested she blog about me. Well, leave it to E. Lo to write one of the most pointedly tongue in cheek, inimitably flattering blog posts I've ever read. Please enjoy the smooth lyrical stylings of my partner in crime and the hottest piece of Korean ass you will ever know....E.Lo.

Top Ten Reasons Why I Love Megan Gates:

10. Megan Gates is vain. Megan is unabashedly vain in a charming way. She's really hot so it's not like it's a desperate attempt to work with something she doesn't have. I was bored on my first day of work and wanted something to do. This is the email she sent me that led to this blog post:

I would love LOVE you to guest blog for me! of course the topic would have to be why I am so very awesome and include photos with many clever captions, but only the good photos where my jawline looks flawless and my eyes sparkle.

Luckily, she pretty much looks like that in every.freaking.picture.

9. Megan Gates has an amazing rack. For a girl, I'm kind of obsessed with boobs because I really don't have any. Don't cry for me, Argentina because I believe in "The Secret." One of the book's mantras is "If you see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand." Basically, my mind is always thinking of Megan's boobs (I know, friend, you too) and one day, I will hold them in my hand. Eww, not like that, pervert. I'll metaphorically hold them in my hands. I've actually held the real ones in my hand and to quote Seinfeld, “They are real and they are fabulous!”

8. Megan Gates loves the Food Network. Megan is one of my only friends who knows what a mirepoix is (aka the holy trinity of French cooking). I can say, "Did you see that mac and cheese challenge where…" and she finishes with "that cocky lesbian was totally pissed she didn't win and freaked out with the home cook also had three dishes?" BTW, did you see that? She was a raging whorebag; she really was. And Megs is the only other person I know that would do Alton Brown. God, he knows everything which is so sexy!

7. Megan Gates makes shopping an Olympic sport. There are few people that can shop as long and hard as I can. Few. When I lived in Boston, I shopped the shit out of the original Filene's Basement in Downtown Crossing for a record six hours. I didn't eat, drink or pee. I thought I basically had the gold medal in the bag and then I met Megan. I think our antics in the Nordstrom Rack shoe section might rival that of monkeys in heat. No matter what happens between us, even if she bones down my husband, steals my car and spills cranberry vodka all over my Gucci purse (God forbid!), I will always love her for forcing me to buy these Etro Shoes:

I know. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I could have let them go. SICK. Until recently, I was unemployed and I was running through my savings. I had taken a few trips, bought more than a few rounds and I was really at my limit. I promised myself I would just window shop but then Megan spotted her: burgundy and metallic bronze with a swagger that gave me a hard on. She was gorgeous. Etro heels originally $695 for $119. But friends, I didn't have $119 to spend on shoes; I really didn't. I sat there clutching the shoes to my (flat) chest. Megan looked at me and said the most important words I've ever heard in my entire life: "Eleanor, if you let those shoes go, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You will dream of those shoes. They are here; they are your size; they are your destiny." Megs is a very light-hearted girl and so her somber words rang even more true. Needless to say, I bought the shoes and I put them on everyday in the house before I go to bed (I'm not wearing them out until I have health insurance and I'm not even kidding you. Even a trained professional like myself knows not to fuck with 5 inch heels) and every night, I whisper to the goddess in the sky, "Thank you, American Express. Thank you, Megan Gates. Please give me bigger boobs. Amen."

6. Megan Gates is the best aunt ever. I have to give a shout out to our friend Katie who is also an exceptional aunt. I guess they tie for best aunt but since Katie is neither a blogger nor a glory whore, I return to our favorite person at large, Megan. She loves her pumpkins immensely. Recently, we went to Target to pick out Jack’s birthday present and we settled on this awesome dinosaur. With the push of a button, his big, angry dinosaur wings flap. I thought we did a pretty good job but Megan was tortured by the fact that it was blue and not green, Jack’s favorite color. TORTURED. She held it every which way stared at it like it was Gerard Butler’s ass, as if staring would somehow make it green. As a compromise, she got him the dinosaur and a remote controlled snake that was…GREEN. (In my mind, I just said it out loud and I waited for the studio audience to say “green” the way Kat Deeley makes the audience say “judges” on “So You Think You Can Dance.”)

5. Megan Gates has excellent taste in television. Speaking of SYTYCD, Megan and I have the exact same television tastes (making her taste obviously impeccable). Not only do we watch copious amounts of the Food Network, we love SYTYCD (one night watched the “Bleeding Love” routine over a dozen times and I can do an uncanny impression of Kherrington’s chest pound/ neck roll from her “Dreaming with a Broken Heart” routine), Project Runway, My Boys, Rock of Love (Heather’s hair was the 8th wonder of the world), A&E’s Intervention and- wait for it…Tori and Dean Home Sweet Hollywood. We love Dean. We are going to share him as our future husband and we’ll go shopping when he goes scuba diving. I’d also like to use this opportunity to say R.I.P. Mimi LaRue. You will be missed.

4. Megan Gates drinks Boone's Farm. Classy. Delicious. Cheap. Like the woman herself.

3. Megan Gates is endlessly complimentary. She always compliments my (admittedly dwindling) intelligence, tells me how much she wants my legs (take ‘em), assures me that he really didn’t mind when I puked all over him, tells me my cooking is the best and tells me I look like movie stars that are a million and one times hotter than me. After I (drunkenly) tell someone to fuck off, she assures me that I handled myself with great aplomb and my hair looked great when I was doing it. That part is the truth; my hair looked awesome.

2. Megan Gates is an amazing writer. That is why you stopped by, is it not? (BTW, sorry you stopped by to read some real, creative, inspiring writing and found this pile of shit.) Oh, you stopped by to see her tah-tahs? Fair enough. Megan has more talent in her pinkie than I have in my entire body but what you do not know, dear reader, is that she is not just a writer but an artist period. She paints pictures; she can paint originals and she can copy the great works. She is endlessly creative with her outfits. Girlfriend makes an outfit out of a scarf, belt and pair of hoop earrings. I can go on but really, it just depresses me and as much as it’s about her, since I’m writing this, it’s more about me.

1. Megan Gates is a true and loyal friend. She is the kind of friend will bring you a big gulp of Diet Coke and a pack of smokes and listen to all your inane shit, interjecting only to offer her sapient advice. She will hold your hair after you drink an entire bottle of Malibu (I don’t even like Malibu; only god knows why I did it) and tell you that you are a very pretty and dainty puker. She calls when it’s been a while. She takes you to the burbs for a relaxing weekend when you’ve had a truly foul week and need a break from life. She dry cleans your pashmina after borrowing it for a wedding. She’s in it for the long haul. When I sing the “Cuz it feels just like I’m walking on broken…” she sings the background, “walking on, walking on broken gla-aaas” because some days, I just need to the sing the melody and she’s fine with being my backup. Megan Gates is a great fucking friend. After writing all this, I’m like two cocktails away from banging the shit out of her.

Thank you, E.Lo (pictured above) for making my head even bigger than I thought possible. You are the greatest!