Clarity of scope always comes too late.

feI miss the certainty and clarity of something that feels right. Living without hesitation. I haven't felt it for an uncommonly long time, for me at least, and it's making me nervous. Gazing into the mirror these days occupies an eternity because in my eyes I can see my future.

It turns out that it looks a lot like an old version of my past, dusting itself off and lying back down in the middle of the road, ready to be run over again.

Lately, I have stared long and hard out of dirty windows waiting for it to come back. I squint and strain, craning my neck only to make out vague semblances. Rudimentary versions of the real thing; patronizing in their briefness. Time and time again I think I see it, but then doubt jumps out from behind an open closet door, slaps me around a few times, steals my wallet and runs off. The strength of its elusiveness is my weakness.

For years I took that feeling for granted and now it haunts me.

And after all this time, the thing is, I think the hesitation is what finally saved me.

I feel like laughing. Fuck.