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Thursday, July 12, 2007

Clarity of scope always comes too late.

feI miss the certainty and clarity of something that feels right. Living without hesitation. I haven't felt it for an uncommonly long time, for me at least, and it's making me nervous. Gazing into the mirror these days occupies an eternity because in my eyes I can see my future.

It turns out that it looks a lot like an old version of my past, dusting itself off and lying back down in the middle of the road, ready to be run over again.

Lately, I have stared long and hard out of dirty windows waiting for it to come back. I squint and strain, craning my neck only to make out vague semblances. Rudimentary versions of the real thing; patronizing in their briefness. Time and time again I think I see it, but then doubt jumps out from behind an open closet door, slaps me around a few times, steals my wallet and runs off. The strength of its elusiveness is my weakness.

For years I took that feeling for granted and now it haunts me.

And after all this time, the thing is, I think the hesitation is what finally saved me.

I feel like laughing. Fuck.

3 comments:

dmbmeg said...

assholeassholeasshole.

ok no.

actually, maybe yes.

dmbmeg said...

nobody puts gatesy in a corner!

Jason said...

john prine said "broken hearts and dirty windows make life difficult to see. that's why last night and this morning always look the same to me."

meg's right. you're too awesome for assholes.