Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The puck stops here.

I love hockey. No, wait. I *LOVE* hockey. I don't know how or why or when I started to love hockey. I just do. If any of you are in the immediate Chicagoland area, call me and I'll take you to a Hawks game. No, they may not be the best team in the league, but I guarantee you won't have a better time. No, I challenge you to have a better time.

There. I said it.

Hockey players are the hottest athletes in the world. Don't contest me on that. Every other athlete lacks that sheer ruggedness, that I will throw these gloves right off and beat the hell out of you, my slapshot is faster than your car, fuck all, I'm better than you, cockiness that hockey players possess.

Baseball, football, one can touch my hockey haired honies.

Let's take a look.

Steve Yzerman

Ahh, the veteran. I would let Stevie Y do dental work on me. Not to mention he is an unfuckingbelievable hockey player. DETROIT whuuut.

Brendan Shanahan

Shanny. My second favorite player in the NHL. He's fucking good. He's Irish. He'll fight you. And then there's this: Participated in public service campaign for abused children and has worked with the Detroit Fire Department to ensure many lower income Detroit homes get proper smoke detectors installed....Brendan purchased many of those smoke detectors himself. I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Mike Modano

Even when you frosted your tips, I still loved you. Note the devilish grin. YES.

Chris Chelios

Possesses all of that been hit in the face with an elbow, broken-nosed charm that you come to expect. Where have you been though, Cheli?

Teemu Selanne

Yeah, you're hot. Even though you're a Duck. And even though you don't have hockey hair anymore. But you were on the All Star team like 19 years in a row, so I'll give it you.

Martin LaPointe

God I love those French-Canadians. Marty LaPointe is and has been my favorite hockey player since my sister claimed Shanny as hers. Ok, to be fair, not all of the hottest NHL players are from Detroit. Although I'm biased as a lifelong Red Wings fan. I like that he's rough around the edges. He plays for Chicago now. Come on home, daddy!

Ok, I literally have to stop myself because I could list many, many more. I could go all day. Of the like, ten guys I’ve dated in this lifetime, half of them have been hockey players. Its no coincidence. Once hockey season starts, I always find myself wanting a nice, scarred up hockey player to love again.

Only 34 days until pre-season starts. I'm wrestling over ordering the 22-game partial season ticket plan or the 11-game plan. Neither of which I can afford, but I figure that'll work itself out later. Important. Hockey. Now.

Blackhawks games are a mess for me. I’m always the one on TV in my red Shanny jersey spilling beer on the people in front of me and writing obscene things on the glass with my lipgloss.

Which brings me to this moment. A lot of you are new readers or don’t know me that well, but allow me to geek out for a minute. Let’s talk about the day I MET MARTY LAPOINTE.

I nearly peed myself.

I unassumingly walked into the Corner Bakery in Hinsdale for lunch a couple months ago when I spotted this really hot guy from across the restaurant. Hmmm. Why do I feel like I know that guy? Did I give him my number at a bar? He's SO familiar.

Then the realization. Wait for it....wait for iiiiiiit.

I whisper-shouted to the girl I was with, "OH MY GOD THAT'S MARTY LAPOINTE."

She looked at me quizzically, "Who?"

Then we made eye contact. Oh dear god, I've loved this man for over ten years and now he is right in front of me in his camo cargos and rumpled grey NHLPA sweatshirt in all of his goateed hotness.

I was at a crossroads. What do I do? Do I risk missing this moment in time forever because my hands are shaking and all I want to do is pull him into the women's handicapped stall and maul him?

No. I'm going to be cool about this.

This man has no idea I have his photo on my fridge at home. He has no idea I've come to games bearing signs that read, "Marty LaPointe, put it in MY FIVE HOLE." He has no idea how I feel about hockey players in general.

It took all I had not to pull up this photo from my photo site on my Sidekick and prove my love to him. Seriously. I'm that big of a fan. Or that big of a dork. You decide.

So basically I decided that no matter what, he wasn't leaving the restaurant without talking to me. As he was walking toward the door, I sauntered up to him and casually said, "I am a huge fan of yours. All the way back to your Detroit days."

I totally blacked out after that so I have no recollection of what he responded with. All I know is that I touched his arm and he smiled and then I came to, hands shaking at my table.

"What just happened?" I asked my friend. "I cannot believe I just met Marty LaPointe."

*Cut to me frantically texting every hockey fan I knew including my sister, my brother, two of the said ex-boyfriends, a roommate, and finally my boss at my old job.*

Best. Day. Ever.

So from one puckbunnie to the next, I leave you with this:

God I love it when they fight.


Peter DeWolf said...

Dude, I come back to see if Donnelly is saying mean things about me in the other post and you have a new one up already.

As a Canadian (that played hockey as a kid) this is a post I can really comment on -- you know, except for all the crush stuff.

Before you decide on your season ticket package, I gotta tell you that Jonathan Toews is AWESOME. I watched him play in junior, especially for our World Junior Team. (Where he put a one-man beat down on the American team.) So fucking awesome. He's a big game guy. You are going to love, love, loooove him. He'll eventually be the Hawks' captain.

Stevie Y. is pure class.

I am not a Chelios fan though. At all.

Hellafied said...

Peter: Toews and Patrick Kane both look like they're 12 years old. Like I'm gonna find them kicking the back of my seat at the theater.

Where did all the old guys go in hockey? Where are the Ray Bourques and Al McInnises?

Peter DeWolf said...

I'm not sold on Kane. I would have traded down in that draft. There were some steals.

And while Toews may not be much for crushing on, dude is going to be a star in the league. Plus he's Canadian, so he'll turn out to be rugged and delightful by default.

Al McInnis is a good Cape Breton boy! (Where I'm from.) My uncle worked with his brother.

You raise a good point though. Where are all the grizzled vets? I guess it would be guys like Darcy Tucker now. Ugh.

(My comments get yappy when sports are involved.)

sam said...

I'm a new hockey fan (we inherited the Stars)down here in Texas. I love this sport. Baseball was my main sport until I saw Mike Modano take 16 stitches and come back to play in the same game. A pitcher in baseball gets a hangnail and misses two starts. These guys are tough!

Lozo said...

for a split second i thought you were coming on to me with this post, but since i don't see my picture, i guess not.

dmbmeg said...

i almost threw my bra at Shanny at the last Rangers game I went to. Grrr, baby. Grrrr!

you did not "inherit" the Stars. You stole them, along with Mike Modano.

seriously, go away. we don't want you here.

Lozo said...

i just realized you called teemu selanne hot. really? is that purely physical, or is it based on scoring ability? teemu? never heard a girl lust after him before.

The Stormin Mormon said...

Puckbunny is my new favorite word.

I've got one for you. Here's fate:
-When I was a kid I learned to play hockey. I was 5, lived in North Dakota, and watched the Minnesota North Stars constantly.

When I was 8 we moved to Minneapolis. I was thrilled that I could finally watch games.

Two years later the owner moved the team to Dallas. Two days after that my parents were transfered by their jobs to Dallas, Texas. It is one of the happiest days of my life. I was losing all of my friends, and moving to an alien city, but at least I still had hockey.

And unlike Pete, I am a huge Chelios fan. When the All Star game was held in Chicago in '91 my parents took my brother and I to the game. Chelios was on the program cover and we got to meet him after the game. He signed my program for me and I still have it.

And being from Minneapolis and Dallas, the Texans did not steal the Stars. The owner was a douche.

That said, the city loves and respects the team, and it really is an amazing thing to see hockey flourish in such an non-traditional market.

Hellafied said...

Stormin: Amen, brother!

onthevirg said...

"I would let Stevie Y do dental work on me."

If that means what I think it means, you need to try that line out on some guy. Instant.Classic. Only, ya know, insert the other dude's name. Otherwise it might just be weird.

Anonymous said...

"I feel like I was just caught by my mom watching scrambled cable porn."

The Carter said...

On Oct 13, when the Stars go up there, I'll look for you in your Shanny jersey. When the Hawks come down here on look for me in bloodied white Stars jersey with a fake puck in my green-painted face (fake puck part of halloween costume). There's a train that takes me to the games...gotta love a 44oz Jack and coke to get ready for the best game on earth.

Hellafied said...

Lozo: Yeah I called Teemu Selanne hot. His wife is smokin, too, so I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Onthevirg: It meant I'd literally let him do a root canal. What? That's not sexy?

Mortar: Well played, friend.

Carter: That's an awesome costume, seriously. It is the best game on earth.

kate_gates33 said...

ok first of all, i need to get some props, cuz i started you on this awesome finesse sport, now didnt i? so lets get a big hells yeah for the original puckbunnie? ME! but i do appreciate you gusto.

dmbmeg said...