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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Thank you very much, I'll be here all night.

Let me tell you about the last time I was at the gym. This was several months ago and I experienced what was quite possibly the most embarrassing moment I've had in a long time. Let me set the scene.

So I'm at the Bally's on Clark, well into my after work fitness routine. I do weights first because it's right after work so the gym is packed. There is a line about five people deep waiting for open treadmills and ellipticals. Arms and shoulders first, then abs, then legs. For some reason I really love doing bicep curls on the machine. I'm kind of obsessed with it. Today I did reps of 60 lbs. and felt some serious burn. I love to see how much I can actually do and then the next day I can't even lift my arms to put on mascara. It's fucking great. Oh and my left arm is like robo-arm. When I had my shoulder surgery, oh my god was it really nine years ago? Yeah, when I had that surgery I couldn't work out my right arm for like six months, so basically all I did was weights with my left arm. So what I was left with was a weakling right arm and a body builder left arm. Anyway the point of that story is that I'm a freak. Moving on.

After weights I warm up on the bike for five minutes and by the grace of god, find an open treadmill. I don't start out running, because well, I'm Megan Gates and running is my nemesis. I walk briskly at an incline of 15 for twenty minutes. During my cooldown I spot an open elliptical. Let me preface this with I HATE CARDIO. Hate. If I didn't have to do it, I wouldn't. Which pretty much accounts for the extra ell-bees I've put on the past five years I haven't worked out at all. But I digress.

I stroll over to the elliptical and plan on doing about fifteen-twenty minutes and then calling it quits. This is seriously ambitious of me and as I center my feet on the foot pedals I feel a slightly smug sense of accomplishment. Ok, so I'm on the thing for like ten minutes, huffing and puffing, bouncing away to my iPod and I'm full on sweating. Oh here's another thing about me, I sweat when I exercise. A lot. I'm a Gates. We sweat. Ask anyone. So I reach for my towel to dry my face when my headphones get tangled up in the towel, forcing my iPod to dangle haphazardly in limbo between the ledge of the elliptical and the ground. As I struggle to get a hold of it before it hits the ground, mid Fall Out Boy's newest single on my workout playlist, I lose my footing and ohmygoditwaslikeinthemovieswheneverything is. in. slow. motion. and. you. can't. stop. yourself. from. falling.

The next thing I know I'm on the ground, one leg straddling the pedals, half off the machine, half on. The guy next to me GETS OFF HIS ELLIPTICAL, as if I hadn't caused enough of a scene already, and keep in mind I'm at the Bally's on Clark right near Boystown, so he's all in his tightass sleeveless tank and shouts because he still has his headphones on, "OHHHH HONEY ARE YOU ALRIIIGHT? OH MY GAHHHD LET ME HELP YOU UP!"

So not only did I fall off the goddamn elliptical, but I fell off the elliptical in the VERY FRONT ROW of the gym, during peak hours so the gym was AT CAPACITY, fucking sweating my balls off, getting assisted by a very gay man with an ass so much better than my own its shameful.

Sigh.

I got back on like a champ though, and I'm pretty sure I could hear distant clapping behind me.

Since then I've taken up running. On the street. At night. When no one can see me.

14 comments:

Peter DeWolf said...

Ouch.

I actually put an elliptical machine in my basement. Not because I fall off, but because waiting for things makes me stabby... and I sing along with my ipod.

Hellafied said...

Peter: You have a basement? That's impressive.

Mortarbored said...

I HATE working out in public. Biking outside, fine. But being in there, all pathetic with my badge of alcoholism, surrounded by douchebags, not so much.

Dre said...

your posts are hilarious because shit like this happens to the best of our-trying-to- keep-myself-from-looking-and-feeling-like- a-cow asses.

i will now be adding you to my daily read list for others to enjoy!

molly said...

Oooh man this was hysterical. Found you through Peter. Good stuff!

Hellafied said...

Mortar: That's why I loved the Bally's on Clark. Nothing but gay guys there to not ogle me.

Dre and Molly: Welcome! Be prepared for much, much more. I seek out embarrassing situations and put myself right in the middle of them. It's uncanny.

dmbmeg said...

This is why when people fall in front of me I do not acknowledge them if they are clearly fine.

I know every time I fall (which lets face it, is a lot), I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone.

Todd said...

Getting picked up by gay men is the exact reason I DON'T run alone at night.

The Stormin Mormon said...

The last time I was at the gym: 3 hours ago. Six miles of running and then a full routine of weights. But I've always been one of those people that loves exercise, even if it's as pointless as a machine run. It's like a crack addiction that's good for you.

My friends do hate that part about me sometimes, but they get to come with and play free racquetball, so they deal...

dmbmeg said...

I just had a vision of the stormin mormon sitting shirtless on a bench feigning bicep curls saying, "Oh I can barely lift my right arm cause I did so many."

country roads said...

I hate cardio...especially in the gym. I saw a guy fall off of a treadmill once. I had to leave the room. Machine still running, I just jumped off and headed for the bathroom to start laughing. At least I didn't point and stare...

mindy said...

You can bicep curl 60 lbs? Are you a robot or something?? Jesus.

letsdrank said...

reason #379 not to go to the gym. like i needed another one.

Anna said...

Hilarious. And you wrote about it, too!