Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Nice turn signal, you f-cking f-ck!

As the holiday rush begins, my road rage increases.

I know a lot of you are damn near religious about public transportation.

Not me, my friends. I LOVE traffic. I love sitting in my car for two to three hours to go eleven miles. I enjoy swerving every five and a half seconds to avoid tragically sideswiping every biker in the city who thinks he is Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver. My heart fills with joy when Kennedy on-ramp traffic backs up all the way to Wrigley Field.

And drivers in Chicago seem to be getting worse and worse with every passing year on the roads. Last night I found myself calling the driver in the car in front of me a "Fucking Ass Face" because he wasn't going 85 in a 65 like me.

There is a stretch of road where Lake Shore Drive and the Stevenson meet that makes my morning commute a particular joy. Though this patch of highway is only about .8 miles long, it is the most treacherous eighth of a mile in what I believe could be all of Illinois.

There are people going 80 mph alongside people going 20. There are trucks trying to get from the far left lane to the State Street off ramp by taking it three lanes at a time. No one uses their turn signals. It's like fucking Nascar at 8:30 a.m. The Autobahn at 8:45. Someone is ALWAYS pulled over on the shoulder with their hazards on, waving traffic to the other side of the road causing everyone in the right lane to slow down to 15 mph.

Every day moves me closer to an inevitable cardiac arrest, high blood pressure, tension headaches. I am one grandma in a Buick away from staring down from a clock tower with a sniper rifle and panty hose over my head.

I can't even keep writing about this because I am utterly disgusted.


Peter DeWolf said...

Yo sound like you'd be delightful to drive with.

Anonymous said...

These actually sound like perfectly reasoned reactions to me. Kill a few of the fuckers and everyone else will fall into line.

country roads said...

hehehe...I can't wait for the cars from the Jetsons. Of course, then, people'll just fuck up the sky.