WTF??

Today I walked out of my apartment building to find my car was not where I had parked it last night.

Ok, I park on a side street that is one way going east. The spot I parked in was the last spot before a small alley behind my building. When I walked out, my car was literally blocking the alley, about four or five feet from where I parked it last night.

The only viable options I can think of for why this occurred are the following:

1. I was high when I parked my car last night.

2. I did not put my car in park and it rolled backwards, somehow managing to do so even though I can't pull the keys out of the ignition if it's not in park.

3. The car in front of me attempted to push my car backward while he or she was reversing to get out of the spot in front of me.

4. A slick spot of ice formed underneath the wheels of my car causing it to slide 4-5 feet backward into the alley behind me.

5. I missed the memo on street cleaning and my car was towed, the towtruck driver was distracted by something and left halfway through the tow.

6. The towtruck driver was high when he towed my car.

7. When running to get into my car during the downpour this morning, I neglected to look at the right side of my car, which has been smashed to pieces when someone plowed into my car in the middle of the night, pushing it into the alley.

Um, I hope it's not #7. My vote is for #1.

Nice turn signal, you f-cking f-ck!

As the holiday rush begins, my road rage increases.

I know a lot of you are damn near religious about public transportation.

Not me, my friends. I LOVE traffic. I love sitting in my car for two to three hours to go eleven miles. I enjoy swerving every five and a half seconds to avoid tragically sideswiping every biker in the city who thinks he is Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver. My heart fills with joy when Kennedy on-ramp traffic backs up all the way to Wrigley Field.

And drivers in Chicago seem to be getting worse and worse with every passing year on the roads. Last night I found myself calling the driver in the car in front of me a "Fucking Ass Face" because he wasn't going 85 in a 65 like me.

There is a stretch of road where Lake Shore Drive and the Stevenson meet that makes my morning commute a particular joy. Though this patch of highway is only about .8 miles long, it is the most treacherous eighth of a mile in what I believe could be all of Illinois.

There are people going 80 mph alongside people going 20. There are trucks trying to get from the far left lane to the State Street off ramp by taking it three lanes at a time. No one uses their turn signals. It's like fucking Nascar at 8:30 a.m. The Autobahn at 8:45. Someone is ALWAYS pulled over on the shoulder with their hazards on, waving traffic to the other side of the road causing everyone in the right lane to slow down to 15 mph.

Every day moves me closer to an inevitable cardiac arrest, high blood pressure, tension headaches. I am one grandma in a Buick away from staring down from a clock tower with a sniper rifle and panty hose over my head.

I can't even keep writing about this because I am utterly disgusted.