WTF??

Today I walked out of my apartment building to find my car was not where I had parked it last night.

Ok, I park on a side street that is one way going east. The spot I parked in was the last spot before a small alley behind my building. When I walked out, my car was literally blocking the alley, about four or five feet from where I parked it last night.

The only viable options I can think of for why this occurred are the following:

1. I was high when I parked my car last night.

2. I did not put my car in park and it rolled backwards, somehow managing to do so even though I can't pull the keys out of the ignition if it's not in park.

3. The car in front of me attempted to push my car backward while he or she was reversing to get out of the spot in front of me.

4. A slick spot of ice formed underneath the wheels of my car causing it to slide 4-5 feet backward into the alley behind me.

5. I missed the memo on street cleaning and my car was towed, the towtruck driver was distracted by something and left halfway through the tow.

6. The towtruck driver was high when he towed my car.

7. When running to get into my car during the downpour this morning, I neglected to look at the right side of my car, which has been smashed to pieces when someone plowed into my car in the middle of the night, pushing it into the alley.

Um, I hope it's not #7. My vote is for #1.

Thank you City of Chicago

For making my day a completely miserable one.

STOP FUCKING TICKETING ME.

Today marks the THIRD DAY IN A ROW that the City of Chicago has ticketed my car for having expired plates. On Monday, June 2nd, I ordered my renewal sticker online and received an email confirmation later that day. I swear, if I get another ticket tomorrow night, someone as the Department of Revenue is getting shanked.

I am going to write a note on my car tonight that says, "Psssst. I know you are writing me a ticket. You might want to think again jackass because that shadow in the window behind you is me. Watching you. With a sniper rifle. Go ahead. Dooooooooooooooooo it."

I am fucking livid right now. I'm going to make poster sized copies of my receipt and tape them to the hood of my car with a sign that says, "See this man ticketing my car? STONE HIM." and I'm going to leave a big pile of jagged rocks by the curb with a smaller sign that says "Use me".

It's all about the menacing signs and notes, really.

And it's the same fucking guy every night at the same time. Officer Young, Badge #1005 between the hours of 10:30 - 10:40 PM. I'm gonna find you and cut you, Officer Young...even if I have to stake out my car all night. Even if I have to sit on the curb for hours widdling my shank.

Yeahhhhh so you could say I'm still harboring a little hostility. The City of Chicago and I have had a sordid history that began about 67 tickets ago.

Not even Barack Obama standing in the middle of Wrigley Field hoisting the Stanley Cup over his head could make me happy right now.