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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The state of my union address.

These days I can't seem to catch a break. I usually have a pretty rock solid sense of self, but lately I am finding cracks in the foundation that make me think otherwise. I don't see things as clearly as I used to. I have been making irrational decisions and questioning truths that have always been unwavering veritables in my life. It's weird, I'm unraveling. I'm damn near a mess on the inside.

In the past, when something like this would happen to me I would wait it out. I'd wake up in the morning and travel throughout my day and somewhere along the way something would tell me this is right. Or that's what you should do. Well I've been the most aware I have been in months, more present in my own life than ever, and yet I can't see it. I can't see the answer. It's like looking through a window in the rain. Even my own reflection is blurry and faceless. I'm unsure of myself, teetering around in a body that doesn't feel like mine.

I can't even talk about it because I can't even describe it. Interesting, I know; I've never not had the words for something. I liken it to someone blindfolding me and then driving me to the middle of nowhere and leaving me there. I remember where it was that I came from and feel that burning sense of longing in my chest to go back, but I just don't know how to get there and I can't find the tools to help me on my way. No one is looking for me, no one even notices I am gone. Part of me wonders if just starting over in this new place isn't easier? And oh my god *smack upside the head* that it could be better?

I can't get away from it either. Pervasion. All of my thoughts, all of the time. This lack of self-assurance is starting to freak me out.

7 comments:

JenBun said...

Megan, this is a great description of something that I think a lot of 20-somethings are going through. (totally not trying to downplay what you are experiencing, though! just letting you know I can relate!)

I hope that things gain clarity for you. And then you'll just know that you're in the right place! :)

panther & dynah said...

hello,

i read your piece on indie bloggers and i just want to say WOW.
it really spoke to me and the part of the words lying in a crumpled heap. loved it.

i suppose partly because im going through the same thing!

anyway, all the best!

A Lil' Irish Lass said...

I loved your piece over at IB. You're an excellent writer and some of that phrasing was just remarkable. I'm impressed and definitely look forward to reading more!

Damsel ni Digress said...

loved what you wrote on IB ... the reference to márquez's book - one of my favorites - may have initially drawn me in (hi, book nerd hurrr) but your writing definitely kept my attention!

and hooray for finding another chicago blogger.

damselindigress said...

damsel ni? digress.

uh, sorry about that.

Anonymous said...

And variants are possible still?

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