Monday, June 09, 2008

Dear current boyfriends, potential dates, interested parties, and waiters in the wings,

Let's get this out of the way now.

You won't like me.

First of all, I'm weird. I do weird things that are irrational and inexplicable. I act weird, seemingly senselessly and ambiguously. I'm a cross between a romantic obsessive compulsive and a fatalistic wet blanket.

I don't believe that the glass is half full because I'm the one drinking out of the 12" tall glass cowboy boot.

I am moody, messy, and seamlessly emotional. I am a walking contradiction, a caster of stones and careful architect of my own glass houses. I own several and rent out the ones I don't live in.

I don't sleep. But when I do, you'll never understand how. I've calculated the exact temperature in my bedroom to quantify the perfect amount of sleep. I am addicted to white noise and reading in bed. I'm afraid I'll never find anyone who will put up with my odd sleep patterns and insane bedtime routine.

You won't like me because I don't mind little white lies. I discourage dishonesty, but only in certain situations.

You won't like me because I won't keep my politics to myself.

I will be overbearing when it comes to global warming, women's reproductive rights, immigration policy lenience and civil rights. You'll want me to shut up. You'll want me to stop forwarding you emails about the next big campaign. I'll hit send and send and send again and I'll do it shamelessly. You won't like this.

I can't imagine anyone does.

You won't like me because I live more on paper than I do in real life. Because I'll keep my most intimate moments for myself on my hard drive and in softcover journals. This will drive you crazy. It will make you jealous in a way you can't describe.

I'll know you better than you think in a shorter time than you think and this will unsettle you. It would unsettle me.

You won't like me because there will always be that one percent of you that doesn't trust me completely. I thrive in that one percent. It's not intentional, it's just where I feel the most comfortable keeping you.

Also, here's the thing, you will need to embrace my inability to give up without a fight and laugh with me at the same dirty jokes. 

You'll wince when I tell you my guiltiest pleasure is eighties glam metal. You'll cringe when you hear me humming the chrous from Ratt's "Round and Round" while I text message.

And I text message. A lot. More than you can imagine. More than someone my age should.

And that doesn't just go for text messaging. I feel uneasy and anxious when I'm more than ten feet away from my computer. You'll hate that I'm this connected. That I have a desire to be this connected.

I'll check my emails at movie theaters and in your bathroom after our second glass of wine when I tell you, "I'll be right back."

I'll explain that I'm not a workaholic, I just don't want to miss anything.

You'll shrug.

Here's something else. You'll watch me believe in ghosts and not so much in religion. You'll look at me funny when I cry in theaters and during presidential debates.

Please don't also discount my quiet insecurities, my loud stubbornness, and that I'll withhold and disclose at arbitrary moments. Look past my penchant for arguing and my proclivity for wanting to beat you at your own games.

It is possible that you'll learn to love the fact that I always have one drink too many.

But probably not.

You won't be able to relate to my priorities. I don't want to own a house. I don't know if I want kids. I may never get married.

But I do believe in a home, a family, and true love.

All of this will puzzle and confuse you and just when you think you've got me figured out, I'll change.

And this is why you won't like me.

With all sincerity,


Peter said...

Well, sure. But, then there's your boobs.

So, it is probably a wash.

sam said...

To quote Winston Churchill, you seem to be a "riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma."

tobias said...

You're right. I don't.
The e-mail checking at the movies alone...

Cunning_Linguist said...

What if I accept? What if I not only recognize your being unique in all these ways, but celebrate it as well. What if..... just what if I am the Ying to your Yang. The Bing in your cherry. What then,hummm? Too scared to accept it or allow it? Just wondering out loud what your next move would be if even after all that I looked at you and said "Yeah, so?".

JenBun said...

The details are different, I feel the same.

Well put, as usual! :)

SocialTyrant said...

I like this - a disclaimer. Proceed at own peril! Could come in useful at the break-up stage. You could just point to a signed acknowledgment of these pre-conditions and say:

"Told you so."

Anonymous said...

are you trying to turn me off? I have 14 journals I have kept since I was 5. I stopped hand writing them when I was 26 now I write my life through 4 or 5 different blogs... my reality is blurred.. I have been to every corner of the world, been a world champion and save antiques from theives... or have I? :-)

Anonymous said...

wait.. I didn't use spell check...damn!

Jill said...

I just happened upon your blog by complete accident. And let me tell sound. awesome. There, I said it. rock, girl! I've got to read more. Thank you for writing :)

Random Esquire said...

Shit, I'm intrigued.