Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I'm trapped under the sweaty belly of life and it keeps yelling, "Submit!"

This boredom is good for my writing. All I have are my thoughts and this sorry keyboard to free them with.

I don't have that teathered to a rock feeling inside me anymore. There is no tension, immediacy. I miss it.

I miss longing and being unsure. All the aching questions tumbling about inside my head for hours. It’s easy to write then. Inking out the way I would get through this or that or it or him. And it was always him. I could have misplaced an arm on the way to work and it would still be about him. That was where the rawest emotions in me came from. The freshest cuts left to be gingerly dressed. The buzz in my head and the catch in my throat. I was the walking wounded, but I felt alive.

Complacency is like L.A. fog. During the day you don’t notice it because you are consumed with daily tasks and minutiae. Only when you’ve escaped the work day can you see it rising above the skyline, massive, yellow-luminous and steeping the air with indifference.

I'm plagued by a different beast now. And even though it's not one that cuts as deep, the damage is slower and more lasting.

There is a difference between stumbling into some restlessness and actually mass producing it. I don't know if my luck is just really bad, or if I am just this strange harbinger of small tragedies.

But on the other hand, would I be satisfied with a life of effortlessness?

That's a tough question. I think I thrive on the difficult, expect it.

It just seems I am always on the verge of this massive heartbreak and I can't keep myself from not just walking toward it, but running full speed ahead.


A Lil' Irish Lass said...

"I could have misplaced an arm on the way to work and it would still be about him."

LOVED this.

Cunning_Linguist said...

Some are born with greatness, some have it thrust upon them. ~ Roosevelt

You shall prevail and overcome. This, we all know. Do not submit.

Anonymous said...

My heartbreak has been there for so long it has become the norm rather then the exception to the rule. I am 33 years old and now I find myself writing to experience. I can put my self anywhere... if I wanted to dance with you.. I would write about it because I know it would never happen. It is not the same... but it is better then not dancing with you at all.