In case I don't get the opportunity this weekend to follow my yearly tradition, today I am gonna go ahead and wish my sister a happy early 29th birthday! 
Here's to never knowing a day without you by my side. And never wanting to.
Looking back at the evolution of things, of me and where and who I am now, I don't think I've ever been the type of person who has all the answers. As with a lot of things, sureness has always teased my fingertips with its allure, but I've never been able to get a good grasp.
It just seems that I am destined to wear this heavy necklace of uncertainty, always dangling near my heart, whispering fears I can never seem to turn a deaf ear to.
But I'm also not someone who deals well with impossibilities.
"I love yous" that are buried so deeply it takes years of digging to unearth them.
The senseless turn of your attention. The tide of you.
Us.
But I've learned how to be patient. And this stubborn will is learning to bend instead of always finding itself hurled against a wall. I've grown tired of sweeping up that mess.
I long for days when easy words yield easy answers though I know I will always have to fight for them.
For days like that.
In fields of grassy splendor,
An army of thin blades swipes at my shins,
It is here that I heed the gentle wisps
Of who I am.
Have you heard the whispering of the acres?
Have you felt your own breath slip in through the pine, vine,
Earthy meadows, purpled shadows, whiskers and into open spaces
To disintegrate into dust?
Have you seen the notes of your song
Dancing along the chords of a tree branch?
I have possessed nothing,
Only this and from this day forward I shall possess
Nothing but this.
And now, it seems the widening rays of the sun
Capture me like bars of a prison.
And I feel that I am at home on this earth.
And I feel not at all like a prisoner.
I lay and because I understand the lyrics,
You understand them.
They linger and sidle dirty skyscrapers,
Riding on top, mastering and taming them
Until they are polished and beautiful and the architecture
Of their faces shows lips pursed in the singing of a note.
And the city too, knows its song.
The lyrics bounce around with the desert sand
Careening and tumbling over and above the dunes
A quiet and explosive sound.
And an ocean of brown and gold and white spreads its body vast.
The waves roll and its song is played.
And the language of the lyrics I understand
Because I have always understood.
Rejoice and celebrate for your song is that of my own,
And of the city and of the desert.
But it is yours.
Like this one.
Like that one.
Like this one.
The same ghosts still haunt me. Lately I have been existing on the fumes of a prior life. My engine is screaming for maintenance, but I refuse to fill up the tank. Instead I turn up the volume of my present, constantly trying to drown out the noise of those old ghosts. The bass bellows, the feeback shrieks. And yet I forge ahead unrelentingly.
I should be happier, but I'm not. My life looks better on paper than it ever has, and yet I can cherry pick the days I don't have to force a smile.
I have a relationship that my indifference toward has exceeded the need for. This life that I've flash built in a year's time feels more foreign to me than ever. And then I think it was never that comfortable, but I wanted it to fit so badly I cut off my feet to wear the shoe.
I'm not ready to get back into bed with my past if that's what you're wondering. Nor am I able to leave my present in the middle of the night, with only a warm spot beside it as a parting gift.
But I am willing to give the future a chance.
The one that I didn't choose years ago because the alternative came in a prettier box.
And I know this is all pretty cryptic and might not make any sense to many people, but for so long this platform has given me clarity and scope and room to breathe.
And right now, that all sounds pretty amazing.
I just succeeded in pulling the most brilliant April Fool's Day prank in my own personal history. Thank you, Facebook.
