Look at Paul Begala Chuckle!

via videosift.com

November 7, 2008

New Rule: Never give up hope! I never thought it would happen. You never thought it would happen. But you'll be able to tell your grandkids that in November of 2008, the impossible did happen: Guns N' Roses released "Chinese Democracy"!

New Rule: As his first official act, Barack Obama must raise Joe the Plumber's taxes. I'm not saying he should raise all middle-class taxes. Just Joe. Congratulations, plumber's helper, you're in a tax bracket of one. Complete with your very own tax form, the 1040FU.

New Rule: In order to fight terrorism, the Obama Administration must first concentrate on getting the Saudis laid. This is the recent "Most Beautiful Goat" competition--in Riyadh. I'm not making this up. And, yes, those are Saudis taking pictures of the winning goat's ass. Someone help these people. Sexual repression makes people believe in all sorts of crazy shit. [slide shown of Morman sister wives]

New Rule: Don't pretend Twinkies are healthy now. Just because you can get the 100-calorie size. Here's the miracle: it's smaller. And here's how to make your own at home: cut an old Twinkie in half. And here's how to make it healthy: throw both halves in the toilet and eat a carrot.

New Rule: The guy in AC/DC has to stop wearing the schoolboy outfit. He's 53 years old. This look doesn't say, "I'm on a Highway to Hell." It says, "I'm a registered sex offender." Also, you have to sell your new record someplace other than Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart's are too crowded. I can't find anything. And the old greeter at the front door creeps me out. [slide shown of John McCain as Wal-Mart greeter]

And finally, New Rule: Now that you've lost, Republicans have to agree not to waste everyone's time spending the next four years screaming for investigations of Barack Obama over made-up bullshit. Let's not kid ourselves. The hardcore Republican base is like a stalker; rejection just makes them crazier. You think Matt Drudge was a vindictive prick before? His headline Wednesday morning was, "Senior Citizen and Woman Beaten by Black Man." You see, because McCain is old and then there was the woman, and Obama is a black man. And wait till you see Ann Coulter's new book, How to Field Dress a Liberal.

You know, there's loyal opposition and then there's just opposition. Let's not do the '90s again, except for the part where we have peace and prosperity. You know, there was an entire industry back then dedicated to making Bill Clinton's life miserable over expensive haircuts and old land deals and the Lincoln Bedroom and getting blown. But this ain't the '90s. We've got two wars, a melting planet, and the only thing keeping the economy from total collapse is Sarah Palin shopping sprees.

So, you know what phrase I don't want to hear used frivolously for the next four years whenever Barack Obama forgets to put the kids in the car seat? "Disrespect for the rule of law." Dick Cheney ordered prisoners tortured by name. That ship has sailed.

I don't want to hear Sean Hannity say that, "Barack Obama announced that his daughters would be getting a puppy. A puppy from where? Probably a Chihuahua that came in from Mexico illegally. And how do we know this isn't a dog that pals around with terriers?"

You know, when Obama starts a pre-emptive war, and then f*cks it up, and makes torture our official policy and outs a CIA agent, and purges U.S. Attorneys, and tries to put his cleaning lady on the Supreme Court--and doesn't act on global warming, and appoints as the head of FEMA an ex-dildo salesman who was his college roommate--you know, that kind of stuff, believe me, I'll be with you. But, until then, I don't want to see Republicans freaking out if Obama isn't singing the National Anthem loud enough, or they find out he gets his suits made in France.

If he puts a moon roof in the presidential limo, he's not making himself Fuhrer; he's just trying to get the smell of stupidity out of the seats.

And, mostly, I don't want to hear about ACORN. Your guy lost by eight million votes. Just because you don't know any black people doesn't mean they don't exist.

So, that's it. No special prosecutors, no trumped up investigations. If Republicans really want to look into something for the next four years, my suggestion: try a mirror.

If this doesn't move you, then you are dead inside.

Bill Clinton for Secretary of State!

"Barack Obama will not allow the world's problems to obscure its opportunities. Everywhere, in rich and poor countries alike, hardworking people need good jobs; secure, affordable healthcare, food, and energy; quality education for their children; and economically beneficial ways to fight global warming. These challenges cry out for American ideas and American innovation. When Barack Obama unleashes them, America will save lives, win new allies, open new markets, and create new jobs for our people.

Most important, Barack Obama knows that America cannot be strong abroad unless we are strong at home. People the world over have always been more impressed by the power of our example than by the example of our power."

The power of our example.

Get out there and vote! There is still time to register. Check out your state's deadlines here.

Barack Obama is our next President.

I truly believe that.

Remember his words back at the 2004 DNC?

In the end, that’s what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or do we participate in a politics of hope?

John Kerry calls on us to hope. John Edwards calls on us to hope.

I’m not talking about blind optimism here -- the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don’t think about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about something more substantial. It’s the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a millworker’s son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too.

Hope -- Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope!

In the end, that is God’s greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation. A belief in things not seen. A belief that there are better days ahead.

I believe that we can give our middle class relief and provide working families with a road to opportunity.

I believe we can provide jobs to the jobless, homes to the homeless, and reclaim young people in cities across America from violence and despair.

I believe that we have a righteous wind at our backs and that as we stand on the crossroads of history, we can make the right choices, and meet the challenges that face us.

America! Tonight, if you feel the same energy that I do, if you feel the same urgency that I do, if you feel the same passion that I do, if you feel the same hopefulness that I do -- if we do what we must do, then I have no doubt that all across the country, from Florida to Oregon, from Washington to Maine, the people will rise up in November, and John Kerry will be sworn in as President, and John Edwards will be sworn in as Vice President, and this country will reclaim its promise, and out of this long political darkness a brighter day will come.

The audacity of hope. I fucking love that. How dare we see a better future for ourselves? What boldness to question our current state of inertia. How brave to embrace change.

This is dissent. A notion Americans don't nearly practice as much as we should. Barack Obama is a modern rebel. He's the Billy Idol of politics! He's making you believe, isn't he?

I feel those massive steel wheels scraping and grinding on the track, sparking and revving, steam billowing. Even enveloped in smoke I can see it coming.

Choo choo, baby.

The Music of Politics

In an age where our world's political climate is sweltering and virtually every move our leaders make becomes satirical fodder, shouldn't we at least have some good music? Isn't it warranted?

Is there any inspiration I can glean from a song titled, "Freek-A-Leek" or lyrics like,

"To the window, to dat wall/ To the sweat drips down my balls/ To all you bitches crawl".

It's puzzling really. I mean, sure, give me a good hook and a loud bass line and I'll shake my ass with the best of them. But this is an opportunity for the creative people of the world to SAY SOMETHING.

What happened to bands like Neil Young, the MC5, The Yardbirds, Bob Dylan and The Who? And then those that followed, Bad Religion, Public Enemy, Pearl Jam, Rage Against the Machine, Ani DiFranco? Even the Sex Pistols. Damn, and the Clash. The Clash did it right. And they did it in the time of hair bands and fake metal followers.

"Kick over the wall/Cause governments to fall/How can you refuse it?/Let fury have the hour/Anger can be power/Didja know that you can use it?"

I'm sick to death of turning on the radio and hearing the same insouciant, alternative crap and phony, made-up gangster lingo.

Where are the Clashes and the Rages? Are there none left? Where is the dissent? The rebel yell?

This is what progressive movement looks like.

Just like this.